Puritannical Bullsht
by CaladriaHaru
Summary: Modern day high school cafeteria setting.  Ciel is annoyed by a creepy black-haired lunch lady man, embarrassed by his Auntie, and harassed by Alois Trancy who wants some help with his English lit homework.  Cracky but enlightening. :


This fic was originally published on the forum for Thursday Crack Ficlet Thread 4: Kuroshitsuji Characters at School!

So, here's a universal setting: the school cafeteria. My apologies to people not in America, because the setting is, um, the high school cafeteria in the school I teach in modern day simply because I know it best.

There's a spoiler for the play "The Crucible" in it. I couldn't help it. A play about making deals with the devil was just too good a connection to pass up (and I've taught it before.) - CaladriaHaru

* * *

"Puritanical Bullsh*t"

Starring Ciel, Alois, Madame Red, and some creepy black-haired lunch lady men XD

"Good afternoon. Today's lunch consists of delicately shredded potatoes formed, lightly seasoned, and deep fried with a pinch of sea salt. It accompanies a savory morsel of beef combined with roasted peppers and sweet Vidalia onions in a light gravy." The dark-haired red-eyed lunch lady man smiled at the boy who blinked and scowled, unimpressed.

"Tater tots and meatloaf with brown gravy," Ciel corrected, openly repulsed as he pushed his tray forward and received the Styrofoam platter suffused with a rainbow variety of dirt colors. At least each item was in its own portioned compartment. Ciel despised cafeteria food that dribbled together. Still, he would have preferred ketchup on his tots and meatloaf, the brown gravy never failing to remind him of something that really needed to remain in the boy's lavatory.

The black-haired red-eyed creepy lunch lady man sighed, clearly disappointed that his culinary talents were lost upon the mass of teenagers. "Do not forget to choose a vegetable and a milk, young man. A balanced diet is important for a growing boy."

Ciel ignored him and moved down the line as the girl behind him held out her tray for her allotment of empty-flavored calories.

"I don't want any vegetables, and milk is for cats," he muttered as he dipped into the self-serve cooler and extracted a carton of peach tea instead. He was pretty sure that there was nothing that even resembled "tea" in the corn-syrup-flavored drink, but there was less of a chance it was expired then the milk. And also, it was not for cats (he hated cats almost as much as cafeteria food.)

"Yeah, really!" the delighted voice of Ciel's tormentor rose above the general cafeteria line din, "Ciel isn't growing. Totally a lost cause."

Alois Trancy. Ugh! Ciel Phantomhive hated the fact that his first year in high school he had to share a lunch with that sadistic overly-touchy freak. It was bad enough that they were in the same English class, but to be forced into his proximity during his 30 minutes of free time was utterly beyond belief. Of course, he was also coerced daily to share a table with his clingy-bouncy-blonde girlfriend, Lizzy, the transfer students from India (who would NOT leave him alone no matter how rudely he treated them), a hyperactive tree hugger, a rough-around-the-edges delinquent (who had already been suspended for getting caught with cigarettes in the first three weeks of school), and the mousy clumsy girl who spent most of the lunch staring at the red-eyed creepy man who had served him his lunch.

Ciel pointedly ignored Alois' attempt to get him into a verbal sparring match and left the line, pausing to fill up a small paper cup with ketchup before maneuvering through the sea of teenage bodies to get to his customary table. By some miracle, none of the other idiots had yet arrived. He was especially happy to see that the Indian transfer students weren't there. The taller one was quiet and polite, but he followed his idiot-brained friend everywhere he went, and Soma had taken some kind of odd liking to the surely Ciel after he had been asked by the Guidance Office Secretary to show them to their respective classes the second week of school. Considering the air-headedness of that one, he was likely getting some remedial help.

"Hiiiiii Ciel."

Ciel glanced in the direction the call had come. Angelina, one of the most notorious senior girls in the school, tucked a strand of bright red hair behind her ear and winked at him.

"You're looking so cute today, _nephew_." she crooned. "Is that a new pair of jeans?"

"Oh stop it, Red," one of her friends chided, "can't you see the look he is giving you?"

"But he is my _adorable_ nephew!" she protested loudly.

"You sound like a perv right now, Red," one of her male suitors pointed out while avoiding eye contact with Ciel.

"Jesus, Annie," Ciel muttered under his breath, turning a shade that would have matched his vivacious aunt's hair as he tried, unsuccessfully, to slip away unnoticed.

"AUNTIE Annie!" she demanded, but Ciel had escaped.

Really? They had to schedule him a class that made him deal with this insufferable crew of idiots at lunchtime? If there weren't teachers posted at every exit and 27 closed circuit cameras pointed at random and unknown places in the school he'd have tried to find a way to sneak away for some true peace.

Ciel sighed, set down his tray, and pulled into his seat. He picked up his plastic fork and stared at the meatloaf. He glanced at the ketchup. Nope. Not even the sweet tangy condiment was going to make anything better. If anything, the visual of bloody red and the unappetizing brown goo that passed for gravy would make him sick up right there. He had been in the nurse's office last week after an asthma attack in gym, and he swore he'd never get into a situation that would necessitate such an action again.

"I hate my life," he said finally, and reached for his tea. It was hard to mess up a tea cooler.

"Aww...poor poor Ciel."

The charcoal-haired boy froze and then turned away as Alois Trancy slid smoothly into the chair next to him. Where the hell was Lizzy and the others when he suddenly wished they were there?

"What the hell do _you_ want?" he grumbled and took a swig.

"To see if you will finally call that really bored teacher on cafeteria duty over there and tell her I am sexually harassing you," Alois giggled and put a hand on Ciel's thigh under the table.

Ciel smoothly picked up his fork and, watching said teacher to make sure wasn't looking, stabbed Alois in the wrist. This caused the blonde boy to squawk shortly and draw his hand back.

"I'm really going to kill you," he muttered under his breath.

Alois gasped in mock exasperation, "Ciel! You know that that counts as a 'terroristic threat' and you could be suspended for 10 days _at least_!" he cooed, leaning into Ciel's ear while his nemesis tried to pull away.

"If you are dead then it would be worth it. Don't you have a fan club waiting for you somewhere?"

"Oh, I do," Alois said matter-of-factly, "But Ice got called to the principal's office for writing me a dirty love letter in class. I'm pretty upset it was confiscated because they are really good. I mean, they are really porntastic. Would you like to read one? I have a whole bookbag full of them," Alois picked up a tater tot, brought it to his lips and then he _licked_ the end of it very slowly before pushing it into his mouth.

"Oh my God, get the hell away from me!" Ciel flushed and stood up ready to just take his tea and bolt when Alois grabbed his arm, hard.

"Wait!" he said, "Wait, please? Okay, I need some help," he admitted. "I'm not getting this play in English class and if I don't bring home an A my stepfather will...not be happy with me." Alois actually appeared distraught as he slapped an old, battered, and well-worn copy of Arthur Miller's "The Crucible" on the table.

"Please, Ciel, you barely have to look at this stuff and you can figure it all out. I can't understand this stupid Puritan language; it doesn't even sound like English. And these questions Mrs. Nelson gave us don't even make sense."

Ciel paused, the appeal to his vanity and flattery about the subject he most enjoyed getting the better of him.

Alois, clearly sensing there was still a chance, flipped the book upon and pulled a paper folded in half from someplace near the end. He opened up the handout their teacher had given and pointed to the question.

"It's this John Proctor one. I'm supposed to figure out why he let himself be hung here at the end when he could have just signed that paper confessing to witchcraft to the town and gotten his wife and life back." Alois looked up, his robin's egg eyes pleading. "Help me."

Ciel allowed himself a smirk.

"That's the climax of the whole play and the most important turning point for the protagonist. If you can't figure that out then you're screwed."

Alois shrugged his shoulders, "well, I don't mind getting 'screwed', but not by a piece of puritanical bullshit...although I'm kind of happy that whorey Abigail Williams fooled them all."

Ciel sat down. "It's not puritanical bullshit. You do realize that Arthur Miller was a great American playwright of the 1940's. And he wasn't a Puritan. He was trying to make a point."

Alois grinned mischievously and scooted his chair closer to Ciel. "Whatever. Help me with this pretty, pretty please."

"And you'll leave me alone and never talk to me again?"

Without even skipping a beat Alois used his index finger to trace an X on his chest, "cross my heart and hope to die," he promised.

Ciel sighed. Yeah right.

"Look, you idiot," he said, grabbing the book and opening it to a page, "John Proctor finally decided it was more important to regain his integrity and die rather than smear his good name for the corrupted officials in Salem."

Alois shook his head and blew out a breath, "But that's stupid. It's just a name. And he died and left his pregnant wife and kids all alone. He's a retard."

Ciel was indignant. "His good name was the only thing of value he could give his unborn child! It's not stupid. His kid would have been able to live with dignity and, besides, his wife understood."

"I hate this shit." Alois huffed. "What's the point of passing on a good name when you are dead?"

"Well, maybe there are some principles that are more important than life," Ciel argued, becoming aware that their argument was drawing attention.

There was a pause. Ciel was breathing heavily. Really, the nerve! Alois had come to him because he didn't know any of this stuff anyway!

Alois mouth opened...

"Oh my God, Ciel, you are so HOT when you get passionate about literature!" his expression was one of awed bliss.

"That's IT!" Ciel stood up and was preparing his triumphant stomp off of the stage of their little drama when he heard the two greatest words ever spoken in the cafeteria:

"FOOD FIGHT!"

What?

Another freshman ran out the door from the lunch line, flustered and excited. "YOU GUYS! Those two creepy black-haired lunch lady dudes have started throwing tater tots and mashed potatoes at each other!"

Ciel and Alois blinked.

That was when an apple turnover beamed Ciel right upside the head.

FIN


End file.
